Kimmelitis: Predicting the Keepers!

Weeeeeeeeee’rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!

And just when you thought it was safe to open your mail again, Kimmelitis pops up with an off season list of what teams should do heading into the July 15th Keeper deadline. As the NFL Draft approaches next week and NERFL teams start thinking about the August 23rd NERFL draft, we figured we would weigh in on our thoughts about the keeper list!

So without any further comment, here we go: (In Draft Order)

The Metro DC Conference

#1) E & J Experience – The Experience had a bad season. Apparently, they are ready to make this season a blazing success and that all starts with the selection of a GOOD keeper. Unfortunately, a quality, affordable keeper is not in great supply on this squad. So it comes down to one position, quarterback. Our suggestion would be to keep the New York Giants QBs for 11 points but you couldn’t go wrong with the Broncos or the Chargers QBs for 6 points either. Our suggestion: New York Giants TQB for 11 points.

#2) Kenosha Maroons — The Kenosha Maroons had a rough season but it is what we expected after their first 8 win season in 2006. Of course, the second protest game didn’t help either, karma has a way of rearing her ugly head; just ask Earl about it! (We are hearing that the organization is high on keeping Maroney for 60) Anyway, after looking at their roster, the Maroons only have two options; Greg Jennings for 10 points or Anthony Gonzalez for 6 points. Aaron Rodgers will be fine this year and Green Bay will make the playoffs. Plus, Rodgers and Jenning have chemistry. Our Suggestion: Greg Jennings for 10 points.

#3) The Falls Church Players — Have they ever drafted this low? Normally the FC Players win like 15 games a week, so a 4-10 season and no post season must have been excruciating for the Players. Their roster of potential keepers is excruciating as well but their are some options for the Players to consider; a couple diamonds in the rough, so to speak! The Browns TQB for 6 points is a good option and so is Donald Driver for 17 points but the odds on favorite has to be Wes Welker for 6 points. If the Patriots had not signed Randy Moss, I would shy away from Welker and to be honest, Anderson had a very good year and may go higher than six in the draft but dollar for dollar, you have to go with value and welker had a 100 catches last year. That an average of 6.25 pts per game with the new rule. Our Suggestion: Wes Welker for 6 points!

#4) The DC Nukes — Another team we are shocked to see in this conference. They had a solid roster but also had some tough losses; especially against the West Hartford Trees. We see a playoff berth in the near future for the Nukes. The DC Nukes options are: Jaguars TQB for 6 points, Brian Westbrook for 28 points and Randy Moss for 22 points. The dilemna here is troublesome. Three star players that every other NERFL Owner is drooling over to bid on at the NERFL draft but common sense has to prevail here; Garrad is good, Westbrook is great but with the new point per catch rule (Moss had 98 catches last year), this should be a no-brainer! Our Suggestion: Randy Moss for 22 points!

The Tri-State Conference (Which I may add; may be the most fun to watch both on Sundays and in trash talk this year!!)

#5) Captain MALcontent (although that will change 100 times over the next 52 weeks) — A surprise entry into the playoffs because of the black and blue division they played in during the 2007 campaign. This year is not going to be any easier. The Tri-State conference is made up of solid competition and will be another black and blue season for all four teams. With that said, the Captain (sans Tenille) has some nice options to choose from; Ronnie Brown for 6 points, Ryan Grant for 6 points and the Dallas TQB for 26 points. Since Romo is named Brady or Manning, 26 might be too high for this specific keeper and as much as a healthy Ronnie Brown is worth 6 points, Ryan Grant seems to be the sleeper pick. Miami is in disarray and Green Bay is poised for another playoff run. Our Suggestion: Ryan Grant for 6 points.

#6) The Fugawi Frogz (We’re the Fugawi?) — Edged out by the Dragon Slayers for the division title last year; they get a second shot at beating up on the Slayers in 2008 as both teams are in the Tri-State Conference. The Frogz had a solid roster top to bottom and just ran into a RED HOT Mors Hostibus team in the first round of the playoffs; wrong team, wrong time but if you want to win it all, you have to win when it counts! The fugawi Frogz have options though; Arizona TQB for 6 points (partying and all), Joseph Addai for 22 points, Anquan Boldin for 28 points, Braylon Edwards for 12 points and James Jones for 6 points. Boldin is injury prone but he averages 83 catches per season and could make him extremely valuable but we would pass. Jones is the third reciever on the Packers and even at 6 points might be available late in the draft for less. TQB is a choice when named Manning or Brady or… you have no other options, so pass on Leinart and company. It comes down to Addai and Braylon Edwards. So it comes down to Edwards and Addai; with the new rules being what they are, Edwards should be the choice unless you think 2007 was an anomoly and not the norm. Our Suggestion: Braylon Edwards for 12 points.

#7) The Dragon Slayers – The Dragon Slayers get to play with the Big Boys this year. The Scurvy Pirates have a regular season record of 21-7 over the past two seasons, this is an opportunity to claim the title of “King of the Hill” in his second FULL season with a division title over the Scurvy Pirates. The Slayers have only two viable options for a keeper; Dwayne Bowe for 6 points and Kellen Winslow, Jr for 10 points. Stay away from everything in Kansas City if you can help it!!! Our Suggestion: Kellen Winslow, Jr. for 10 points (or don’t keep anyone).

#8 ) The Scurvy Pirates – “Always a bridesmaid but never a bride!” Maybe his impending nuptials will help him get over the “win the regular season and lose in the playoffs” pattern of the past two seasons? and then again, maybe not? The Pirates have one and onle one option; Brandon Marshall. Our Suggestion: Brandon Marshall for 6 points!

The New England Conference

#9) Mors Hostibus – After a solid run from worst (0-5-1) to a playoff berth (7-6-1) in the same season, Mors Hostibus has established their team as a force to be reckoned with in NERFL. Can Mors Hostibus step up and win it all this year? Time will tell and it all starts with a keeper selection on July 15th. Unfortunately with limited options, drafting will be key to their continued success. Options: Clinton portis for 11 points and Dallas Clark for 6 points. Our Suggestion: Dallas Clark for 6 points.

#10) West Hartford Trees – A year after a NERFL Championship, the Trees missed out on a repeat run in 2007 by one game. Will the Trees win it all again in 2008? They have come a long way from drafting three TEs and two Kickers to be a perrenial favorite in NERFL and a team that should always be feared. The West Hartford Trees’ options: Frank Gore foe 17 points, Adrian Peterson for 16 points, Jamal Lewis for 6 points, Plaxico Burress for 26 points, Vincent Jackson for 11 points and Calvin Johnson for 15 points. Lewis is a straight runner but doesn’t catch much; a value pick, we’d pass. Peterson looks like he will have a better year than Frank Gore (just a hunch). Read Anquan Boldin above for our feelings about Plaxico Burress. Vincent Jackson has had great gamnes but never a great season and Calvin Johnson is a “wild card!” Will he or won’t he break out this season. This pick comes down to Gore, Johnson or Peterson. Our Suggestion: Adrian Peterson (Vikings) for 16 points.

#11) Pop’s Puppies – Heading up the “Geriatric Division,” Pop’s took all the Tylenol and Alleve he could to make the Championship game but was too broken down and sore to win it all!!! Pop’s Puppies has options: Pittsburgh TQB for 6 points, Maurice Jones-Drew for 11 points, Brandon Jacobs for 14 points and Hines Ward for 20 points. The RBs are runners and not necessarily catchers, so we’d pass. Hines Wards averages 70 catchers per season the last few seasons but his TD production has been down. If you want bang for your buck, weigh your options Pop’s. Our suggestion: Pittsburgh TQB for 6 points.

#12) Anita’s Angels – Which New England Patriot to keep this year?!?! hmmm… let us see. The Defending NERFL Champion has a title to defend, will she stick with tradition or will she think outside the box in order to repeat in 2008? The Angels options: The New England TQB for 37 points, Marshawn Lynch for 10 points, Bernard Berrian for 13 points and Jerry Porter for 8 points. Berrian is now in Minnesota which is troublesome with their quarterback issues and Porter is now in Jacksonville which may be a great move for him and Garrard. Let’s get the pink elephant out of the room, Brady and Manning are worth 37 points but it hamstrings a team’s ability to be creative at the NERFL draft. If you want Brady for 37 points, throw him back and bid him up. Marshawn Lynch is proving to be the real deal in Buffalo. So it comes down to Porter or Lynch. Our Suggestion: Marshawn Lynch for 10 points.